TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically noted for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It can be that he really should stop making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the building's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down support."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower Trump Tower Damascus could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide shaped just like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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